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September 20th, 2013

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So... how does one deal with the process of a breakup? I wish I knew.

September 17th, 2013

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Things have calmed down and so have I. I'm still having second thoughts about myself and what I've done. I regretted doing things in a rash manner but at the same time I don't know why I'm so affected by what people might think of me if I were to try to undo what I had done. Why should I care, right? All I know is that it's my happiness that matters hahahahahahahhaha. I really wish that none of the bad things happened so that I can just continue being happy. I hate being stressed out over ANYTHING and I hate being sad.. I don't like it when the people around me are sad too :'( I wish that I never met certain people so that I wouldn't have to worry about what they thought about the things I do and say. I also wished that I never heard certain things because I let them get the better of me when I shouldn't have. The thing is, my mind is so complicated that sometimes even I myself have a hard time understanding and detangling the complex thoughts that run through this big head of mine.

But to everybody else, I'm a girl who can't make up her mind, I'm stubborn and I have a fucked up attitude.

BUT NO, I refuse to turn into the person people think I am.

I am just misunderstood. Probably by J too.

Day 2

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I don't think I can cope with being alone. It has only been a day since J & I are broken up but I've been behaving like a nervous wreck. I'm so noisy on Twitter and a few unexpected friends have actually responded to them. Everytime I think about ANYTHING and I mean anything, they always lead to thinking about her and I try my hardest not to cry. I was craving for sushi and I immediately wanted to text J that I wanna have jap for dinner but then I remembered we weren't together anymore and as I'm typing this I'm really trying to not break down at work. I was thinking about something funny then I remembered that she was there when it happened, and again, I felt like crap.

I keep asking myself if breaking up was the right thing to do since I didn't feel happy or fulfilled in the relationship anymore. It's not that J treats me badly or she cheated on me. Things just didn't feel right. I felt that the relationship was just coming to an end soon.. It was just a matter of when it is officially over for good. I owe J an explanation on why I made such a decision and why I'm sticking to it, but the thing is, it's really difficult for someone like me to express what I'm feeling and what's on my mind. She doesn't understand why I'm being like this and I can't find a reason to give her either. It's really tough being the one who's able to communicate with people more easily, because I think there's more expected out of me.

I really loved her and she'll always have a special place in my heart because she's afterall, my first love. But if things are meant to be, they're meant to be. And if they're not, they're not. We'll meet other people and who knows? Maybe in 10 years time we'll meet again and this time things will be right, and we'll all think about what happened this year and just laugh at it. But right now, things just don't seem right and it's time we started doing other stuff apart and to also find ourselves. I think somewhere along the way, we both lost each other and I'm not saying that she didn't try to make things work, but life has a funny way of fucking us up sometimes. I blame myself for being such a fickle person and also someone who gets bored so easily, and it's very unfair to her because she tried so hard to make things right again but when it's gone, it's gone.

I'm going to take this time to heal and grow and make a few adjustments to myself. I don't want to be a bad person and I want the next person I meet to see a better version of me. I think I treated J really badly and I know karma's going to bite me in the ass. But I really want to thank her for teaching me the value of a person and how it feels to love and be loved. The past 20 months were no doubt a rollercoaster, but they were filled with a lot of great memories and a lot of excitement too. I just wish that we could be with each other a little longer before all of this started to happen, but things happen for a reason and we all just have to go with the flow.

I really wished that I could end this entry on a happy note, but that's impossible and right now I really have the urge to just go to the toilet and cry.

September 16th, 2013

It's been awhile...

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I've not touched this space for a long time.. And who knew that the day when I finally write in my journal will be the day when I'm the saddest? It pains me to say this but I'm single now. The thing about being relationship for the first time is that everyone tells you how exciting it will be and how you'll feel so happy about everything and how that even if life throws you obstacles you get over it but with someone around to help you. But nobody tells you that being in a relationship, it brings a great amount of pain too. It's tough having to deal with the fighting, the crying, the petty squabbles and finally, the break up. NOBODY warns you about the shit you have to go through when you break up with someone that you've grown really attached to over a long period of time. It's probably easy if you've only been together for a few months but when it goes over a year, you've spent more than a tenth of a decade together, it's hard. It's hard to even do it, to say "it's over". You can't even come to terms with the fact you're going to be alone, let alone do anything. When you finally have to guts to say it, something brings you back to the person again but you know it's not the same anymore, it feels different and you have to go through the same painful process of breaking up again.

I feel that every relationship has phases and each phase has a deadline. By the time you reach that deadline, you'll have to move on to the next phase of the relatoinship. It's all about moving forward, you don't stay in the same place for too long, unless you're all about having a stagnant relationship then okay go ahead? But if you can't move forward I think the next thing to do is to be apart and figure out what you really want in life. We all need to grow and it's either you do it alone or together with somebody who's good for you.

I don't know how to get back on my feet without breaking down every 30 minutes. It's like "I'm single" omfg how do you do this again? It's so weird to be something that you've not been for more than a year. I think I need time to heal and feel liberated. I should spend time with my friends and catch up with those that I've forgotten. Yeah I'm an asshole but I honestly don't have a lot of friends to hang out with. I think I need a manual on how to be single again. Is there one? OH wait, there is,



Fucking hell how to be all fine and dandy like that bitch.

June 11th, 2013

Determined

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I WILL lose weight.
I WILL be healthy.
And I will most definitely prove every one and myself WRONG.

April 16th, 2013

15.4.2013 approx 17:42

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J: *whispers* Thank you
Me: ??? For what?
J: Everything :)

No matter what she says or does to me, in the end, she always comes running back to me. And so do I. 

March 11th, 2013

my girl

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Meeting you was definitely one of the rarest, luckiest and happiest moments of my life. So cliche but it's true. We met at a very strange time in fact, and we fell in love at an even stranger time. Love has a funny way of working, I tell you. It has been a year plus and we're still going strong, with our patience and ability to tolerate put to the test. I've always mentioned that I've grown tired of you and your flaws. But I'll remind myself, every now and then, that when I fell in love with you, I fell in love with your flaws too. 

February 17th, 2013

I quote from you

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To think one would get used to the pain of heartbreak after being in several relationships(it's more of rejection for me). Apparently not.

I don’t know why this is happening. Did you ever stop to think how I would feel about it? No, I don’t think so.

February 1st, 2013

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I see a future with you. How we'll be living in a little house, possibly a 4 room HDB flat, with our 2 dogs and 1 or 2 cats. We'll be taking turns to cook and do the dishes, no buts. Possibly fall asleep on the couch more often than we do on our own bed, and we'll end up shifting the TV to the bedroom, which is an unhealthy thing to do. We'll make new year's resolutions every year, and it'll mostly consist of house rules, and we'll break them by February. We'll argue over whose turn it is to do the laundry, and it'll mostly be mine because you don't know how to separate the whites from the dark and I'm too afraid to let you handle our clothes. You'll nag at me to make the bed if I'm the last to wake up and I'll throw a tantrum because I'm too lazy and I'll keep rolling about on the bed to mess the sheets up just to annoy you. I'll be too tired to wake up in the morning for Sunday brunch and you'll have to drag me out of bed, and you'll laugh at me as I literally crawl to the toilet, which you have seen me done before. We'll be so hipster, reading our books at a quaint little cafe, and we'll end the day with dinner that's most probably improvised. It won't be a routine, because you know how I hate routines. I'm guessing that you'll most likely have little surprises in store for me every now and then! I can't wait to have such a life with you, I can imagine what it'll be like to be seeing you everyday, every night, (almost) every hour. We might have a difficult life if society doesn't change in our favor, but we'll be alright. We've been going through a bittersweet year, and we will be able to manage in the years to come. I know, because we're fighters, we don't give up easily. 

December 14th, 2012

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i never thought i'd say this: i just wanna feel loved
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