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Day 2

Day 2

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merme
I don't think I can cope with being alone. It has only been a day since J & I are broken up but I've been behaving like a nervous wreck. I'm so noisy on Twitter and a few unexpected friends have actually responded to them. Everytime I think about ANYTHING and I mean anything, they always lead to thinking about her and I try my hardest not to cry. I was craving for sushi and I immediately wanted to text J that I wanna have jap for dinner but then I remembered we weren't together anymore and as I'm typing this I'm really trying to not break down at work. I was thinking about something funny then I remembered that she was there when it happened, and again, I felt like crap.

I keep asking myself if breaking up was the right thing to do since I didn't feel happy or fulfilled in the relationship anymore. It's not that J treats me badly or she cheated on me. Things just didn't feel right. I felt that the relationship was just coming to an end soon.. It was just a matter of when it is officially over for good. I owe J an explanation on why I made such a decision and why I'm sticking to it, but the thing is, it's really difficult for someone like me to express what I'm feeling and what's on my mind. She doesn't understand why I'm being like this and I can't find a reason to give her either. It's really tough being the one who's able to communicate with people more easily, because I think there's more expected out of me.

I really loved her and she'll always have a special place in my heart because she's afterall, my first love. But if things are meant to be, they're meant to be. And if they're not, they're not. We'll meet other people and who knows? Maybe in 10 years time we'll meet again and this time things will be right, and we'll all think about what happened this year and just laugh at it. But right now, things just don't seem right and it's time we started doing other stuff apart and to also find ourselves. I think somewhere along the way, we both lost each other and I'm not saying that she didn't try to make things work, but life has a funny way of fucking us up sometimes. I blame myself for being such a fickle person and also someone who gets bored so easily, and it's very unfair to her because she tried so hard to make things right again but when it's gone, it's gone.

I'm going to take this time to heal and grow and make a few adjustments to myself. I don't want to be a bad person and I want the next person I meet to see a better version of me. I think I treated J really badly and I know karma's going to bite me in the ass. But I really want to thank her for teaching me the value of a person and how it feels to love and be loved. The past 20 months were no doubt a rollercoaster, but they were filled with a lot of great memories and a lot of excitement too. I just wish that we could be with each other a little longer before all of this started to happen, but things happen for a reason and we all just have to go with the flow.

I really wished that I could end this entry on a happy note, but that's impossible and right now I really have the urge to just go to the toilet and cry.
  • I know its useless asking if you're ok but pls cheer up, time is the best remedy :) if it helps here's one of the many quotes I try to live by: "I've been told, sometimes, the most healing thing to do — is remind ourselves over & over that other people feel it too."
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