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November 23rd, 2012

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Poor Jo has fallen so sick that I can't even pay her a visit :'( I've not spoken to her for the longest time ever omg. This is worse than Indo and Shanghai. The last time I ever felt this lonely was when I was single which was last year omfg? And it's 23rd November already wtf I remembered tweeting " oh it's November already?" on the 1st and I thought that was last week. omgomgomgogogmogog OH MA GOURD.Time flies so fucking fast, less than a month more to my FTT and I have yet to even purchase my theory book -_- 

I kinda forgot how it feels like to be single. And I think I'm feeling it now HAHAHA what the fuck am I rambling about. Ok I just need to talk about how I miss my girlfriend ok bye I am definitely going to rant tomorrow.

November 20th, 2012

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Why do I feel so miserable? As if life is nothing but meaningless and something that I just have go through before death arrives? I'm so tired and just living day by day doing nothing but whine about how I need some sort of miracle to happen. Why am I complaining about not getting enough when I should be grateful for what I have that's enough? 

Maybe I'm just a bitch who's not thankful for everything that she has and keeps focusing on the bad and not the good. 

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I give advices but I don't follow my own and end up asking the same questions to others, expecting the same answers.
I let people into my life knowing that they'll leave and who's the one who cries? Well sometimes it's me.
I feel so unfulfilled as a person.
I keep letting my insecurity get the better of me and I don't dare to tell anyone about it because I have a feeling everyone's sick and tired of hearing me talk about the same thing over and over again.

November 3rd, 2012

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how to feel like I did in the beginning, I have no clue. I'm just sad all the time. No wonder I look horrible. I hate the aching, burning sensation I tend to always get whenever I repeat the hurtful and truthful words that you had once said. 

October 21st, 2012

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How can I be so selfish? I'm such a bitch, I'm a burden. But seeing how I'm behaving like I'm a liability, getting rid of me should be the right thing to do.
I know that I have to change or things are going to start changing itself for the worse. But honesty, you're not helping me at all. I just feel more worthless by the second, make me feel otherwise, please? I'm beginning to slip into some sort of numb and depressing state, and I don't want to.

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September 18th, 2012

Selfish

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It's nice to see that you've finally awaken, and you're pushing yourself out of your comfort zone to do what's best for you. I can finally start to worry a little less about what's going to happen.

But with that, I'm going to be so alone.. And I cry at the thought of what I'm going to go through & how am I going to deal with it.

Suck it up and brave through the storm I guess.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

September 12th, 2012

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We all have our scores and flaws, and we always hope for the truth. But when the truth is out, we wish that it never came out as well, because it hurts. It's strange how the human mind works doesn't it? We want something and when we get it, sometimes we just push it away. I love my girlfriend more than anything in the world, and I'm lucky that she accepts and loves me when I'm in this state. A fragile, bipolar and freakishly unstable state of mind is what I have right now. It's hard, to get rid of my insecurities but I try to do so day by day and one day, I hope that I'll be able to look her in the eye and tell her that I'm finally okay. It's tough on her, to have to deal a person like me. Sometimes, I just push people away thinking that they'll hurt me when I feel that comfort is finally settling in. It hurts her in the end and one fine day, it really hurt her til I knew that I've crossed the line. 

I just wish for the bad things to come to an end and I want us to come to the point where we can be comfortable for good without any second thoughts. I love her so much and I don't know what I'd do without her, times are hard right now but this too, shall pass.

August 26th, 2012

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I was just looking through my Facebook timeline, and I saw a few of my exclassmates from STC, with their usual updates etc. Then I remembered how some of them, were really mean to me. The things they've said and done, and how they were so upfront about it. I remember how I didn't have many friends to begin with in sec 1, I don't know why but I had an awkward start in secondary school. Being a gemini, I can't stand the idea of being alone and I'd ask some peope if I could join them for recess because nobody asked me if I wanted to join them, and sometimes, some of my classmates who didn't like me, would say things like "by the way, who asked you to come for recess with us?" or "since when did you start hanging out with us?" Then I remembered how this group of girls were passing notes to each other in class, and I was in the middle of it, helping them to pass the note, and I had the feeling they were talking about me. I was right lol. I went to find it after class ended, and they threw it in the bin without even tearing it up, and there were mean things written about me. Then I remember breaking down in front of the class and how a friend asked me what happened and told those girls off about it and they apologized. After that, I joined her and her friends for recess everyday, and it was fun hanging out with them actually, but then again, I felt that I didn't belong. 
Then one fine day, she asked me, in front of the rest of the group, whether I had I been telling people about how I've been hanging out with them and that I became popular after that (or something like that). Then for God knows why, I broke down and just stormed off, even though I knew that wasn't true. I guess I was so mad at everyone, for not allowing me to have friends. I was so frustrated with myself as well for not being able to have any stable friends. I started to think that the problem lied with me, and not them. But that wasn't true, I found out that it was some girl who told them that in the end. 
Throughout my 4 years in STC, I found out that in order to sustain a stable friendship with my schoolmates, I needed the time to do so. My parents were really strict back then and rarely allowed me to go out with friends from school. I'd say that I've only gone out with them, in 4 years, around 3/4 times? No I'm not exaggerating, I could only go out with my childhood friends because those are the rare few friends of mine whom my parents really trust. 
Right now, being a poly student, my parents give me all the freedom I can possibly have. Schoolmates don't believe me when I tell them that I used to not have a social life in secondary school. I don't blame them though, I know they were afraid that I'd go astray from picking up bad habits from the wrong company. But I'd think to myself, if I had all the time to hang out with people back then, will I be like how most of my STC mates are now? I see several of them still maintaining a close friendship, and I get jealous sometimes, because how I wish I had a friend like that. Someone whom I can reminisce about the fun times we had in school. Sure, I still keep in contact with a few, but that's all we do. We keep in contact, but we don't throw birthday parties for each other etc. In fact, I don't think I've had a birthday surprise til last year, thanks to my lovely BFFs. I cry whenever I get surprised, because, honestly, I'm always the surprise and not the surprised. I come up with the birthday plans, I buy the gifts and I do the cards even for friends who aren't really close to me. But I hardly get those back in return.. 
I'm not trying to gain pity, if anybody were to read this entry, but I was just thinking of how I was in the past. Thinking about all the failed friendships, I realise that it really takes time, money, energy and the effort to have a close relationship with a person. I don't resent any of the girls whom I've had bad blood with in STC, we're more like acquaintainces now which is cool. I'll always remember all the drama that I've gone through, and I've learnt from them. And I'm happy to say that not much has gone down since I started studying RP, I don't exactly have close friends, but there're people who I can randomly meet up with, catch up and just talk as if we never not met for ages before. I like having comfortable friends like that :)
I guess I'm not the sort to have many close friends(again, another trait of a Gemini), I just stick to a few people I feel are worth sticking to? But I do tell each and every single one of my friends that if they ever need me, I'm always there to lend a listening ear :) 


Having said all that, here's to me, that I'll be able to read this in 5 years time, and not cry over how I'm sad and lonely ha ha ha.

August 21st, 2012

The world can never be satisfied and there will always be someone who's out to be a wet blanket. So, China won for Miss World 2012 and now there're several people blaming politics for her victory(this is based on the comments that I've read on an article). You guys are just unhappy because your country didn't win, therefore you're making such remarks. If your country were to win, and others were to do the same, I'm pretty sure you'll defend her and say that that's not true.

Initially, China was leading in the number of medals won in the London Olympics, and as expected, people started to write hurtful comments. I feel that one of the main reasons why the Chinese are so good at what they do, is because of the competitive spirit that they have in them, they push themselves beyond the limit to get what they want, to do their country proud. I'm not saying that the other competitors don't, I'm only pointing out that what fuels the Chinese to do what they do so well, is the passion and the determination to do their country proud. 

When Feng Tian Wei won a bronze for Singapore, immediately people started commenting on how they're not proud of her because she's not a true blue Singaporean, rather, a talent bought from China so there's nothing to be proud of. There were a lot of other hurtful comments lashed at her too. Honestly speaking, I find that these people aren't being grateful for what they have? If FTW refused the offer to play for Singapore, would we even have a bronze to brag about? I'm pretty proud of her, for having fought so fiercely in the round against Ding Ning. I wonder if she has seen what us Singaporeans have said about her, I hope she only reads the positive ones though. 

This entry wasn't written very nicely but I'm just trying to get my point across, that we should be grateful for what we have and that if something does not go our way, we shouldn't be thorwing a hissy fit over it, but just accept that fact that life's unfair. I remember my teacher telling me that the only thing fair in life, is the word unfair. Which is true, don't you think?

August 6th, 2012

If you ever realize

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that I do try to make this work. I'm not being overly dramatic, I just need to know that you feel it too. I say things which you consider ridiculous, but sometimes they are for the best. I just can't bring myself to do it, and you know that. I'll be too broken and so will you, and we'll both end up not talking to each other ever again. But I'm just so tired of having to force down the tears and choke on them, and having to have to put up a fake front, for the sake of not getting pounded with questions. I'm close to simply giving up, because what's the point of being the only one who tries most of the time? But please prove me wrong as to why this shouldn't end.

July 29th, 2012

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Til the holidays officially begin, I won't have enough time to exercise adequately ): 
So for starters, I'll simply plan my meals for the week!


Breakfast - Whatever grandma makes
1 stick of nicotine
First study break - a sandwich, or 1 serving of fruits, with iced coffee or tea (to get my bowels moving)
Second study break - No meals. Tea? Yes.
1 or 2 sticks of nicotine
After class - no snacks. Unless I'm really really hungry.
1 stick of nicotine
Dinner (either with friends/family) - 1 serving of veg, 1 serving of meat, no rice or noodles. With friends, salad and a side, no fizzy drinks.
But for this week, I can't smoke, according to Jo. Oh well, a punishment is a punishment. Maybe I'll stop smoking for good, maybe I'll not. But whatever it is, please don't judge me :( I just know that the nicotine cuts off my craving for food and it helps me to resist the temptation of eating. And yes.. I have no willpower.

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